There had been just so many thoughts running through my mind for the past few days but I had been just too busy with the wake to process all of them. Now that was over, I can finally take some time to unpack those thoughts. On Monday after my grandma's funeral, I was just thinking about how I have been living my life before news of her passing came. Initially I was very stressed up and worried about her condition but at some point after I surrendered this issue to God, I became more at peace.
Even though I still couldn't be sure whether she would make it through the danger, I was able to leave her in God's hands and go on to enjoy my life. I had just went through a depression and it wasn't easy for me to walk out of those dark clouds. Hence I was determined not to go back to the pits again. For the first time in a long while, I was able to experience joy in my heart. I still remember it was Mother's Day on 8 May.
From then on, I started feeling joy in my life and I also began to feel interested in things around me again. I was so contented to be able to enjoy the simple things in life like eating good food, shopping, spending time with my family, things I couldn't do previously. Then during the week, the enemy tried to steal my joy with my grandma's deteriorating condition and I was so upset that I cried out to the Lord again.
After I poured out my frustrations to the Lord, I felt much better and joy came back to me.
On 15 May I experienced how easy it was for God to make me happy again, something I couldn't imagine previously. It was on the same day that the Lord opened my eyes to the condemnation and fears of missing the promised land. It was truly a major breakthrough for me, for the chains were broken. The stronghold was destroyed.
I told myself that I can expect good things to happen in my life after the root of condemnation has been removed. I became even lighter and freer after this. I began to feel that things moved faster in my life. I was busy with preparing Joshua for his exams. Led by the Spirit, I started fasting on Thursdays mornings. And more good things started coming up to the surface.
Even though there were attempts to distract me, God turned it around for my good. The enemy still tried to bring lying symptoms on my body, this time they were short-lived. I was able to look forward to the holiday trips and I even had an enjoyable time with my parents in Malaysia. That was just before my grandma passed on.
The enemy again tried to steal my joy and peace by causing this news of my grandma's passing to debilitate me. He knew I was succumbed to his pressing this button all the years.
But thank God He had prepared me for this day and I had already surrendered her issue to Him. So I wasn't as sad and emotional as I thought. There was peace and joy throughout her wake though I cried buckets on the first day. But thank God I wasn't exceedingly downcast.
In fact after the whole funeral was over, I was really relieved and thankful to God for settling this issue for me.
Thinking back, it was really the joy of the Lord that brought me through the difficult times. I would have been totally crushed if not for His joy. Even though I knew that the tough times didn't come to stay, it came to pass, it didn't really help me when I was in the thick of the attacks. It didn't comfort me, for all I needed was some relief. If I couldn't survive the now, what to talk about the future. No wonder God kept telling me that there is an after-this. Now I see the after-this. I saw that only by focusing on Jesus can I survive with joy in the trying times, the appointed valleys of life. It was a joy that bubbled up from within me, not dependent on my outward circumstances. I knew it because I started feeling joyful even before things started to improve on the outside.
After my grandma's passing, I knew that was the last missile the enemy had thrown me. With that last attempt, everything came to an end. He has totally lost the war and there was no way he could stop God's plan from coming to pass. Previously I couldn't be sure that was the last attack after each fiery dart the enemy threw me. I hoped that was the last attack and though I was declaring it, I wasn't fully convinced. But this time round, I was convinced that the enemy had run out of ammo and time. His end is up, that was it. Death ended it all. It was Christ's death on the cross that totally defeated the devil.
God's recent messages also talked about completion, finishing the race, promotion and rewards coming. With the coming of a new season, that was how I became convinced that the past season is now no more. I was told to let go of the past so as to embrace the future. My best days are yet to be. That was also how I knew that after being through the fire and the water, God is bringing me to a place of fulfilment and abundance. Not only that, He is speeding things up from now on. Hallelujah praise the Lord!
Thursday, June 9, 2016
Tuesday, June 7, 2016
MY GRANDMA PASSED ON
The other night as I laid on my bed trying to get to sleep, I had this picture of a screen racing through my mind. Like how it looks when you fast forward a video clip. Instantly I knew what the Lord is trying to say. I have entered into a month of acceleration in June and things are really going to move much faster from now on. Maybe I have been seeing this word acceleration frequently in the messages so it kind of sank into my spirit.
On Sunday morning when I woke up, I discerned that a major change has already taken place in my life, with the passing of my grandma. I was reminded of what Doug Addison said about old things dying but the result will bring new life. My grandma symbolised everything connected to my past. With her passing, it meant that my past has also gone away. The new has really come.
In end 2011, there was a health scare for doctors said my grandma was about to go anytime. I cried out to the Lord for her healing and God turned her situation around. She miraculously recovered and went on to live. But for more than 4 years I have been burdened and taunted by her health issue. I even wondered if it was right for me to ask the Lord to extend her life by a few years. But I guess it was all over now. There is no condemnation for those in Christ. It was all part of His plan. Besides, if my grandma didn't will to live on, she wouldn't have made it till now.
Well, death is really the end to all that taunting, the fears and worries over her life. With her death, the enemy has totally lost all the grip over me in this area. With the exception of childbearing issues in the past, the other area that could potentially affect me emotionally was my grandma's issue. This was an area that I cried a lot over as it had the potential to make my heart very heavy. I felt sad that my grandma had to stay in the nursing home because she couldn't eat and walk anymore. She had to be on milk tubes.
In the past childbearing was another area that could make me depressed but God has delivered me from that completely. Starting from this year I found myself less bothered by such issues. The enemy couldn't press my button in this area so he had to turn to other areas like attacking my health. But when that didn't work, He used my grandma's issue to get me out of peace and joy.
The timing was also uncanny...come to think of it. Just as I received a word from the Lord about healing and deliverance from those lying symptoms on 13 Apr, the news about my grandma hospitalised came on 18 Apr. It was the day after I took the step of faith to start the first women's fellowship meeting on 15 Apr and the Lord visited us powerfully. Then on 17 Apr, I received the powerful anointing of God during the service.
I still wasn't totally set free from the lying symptoms in my body when I received the word on healing but I knew my turning point has come, since I received the word of God and the power of God from on high. Imagine two spectacular visitations from the Lord in the same week! It was awesome. Yet after that, the resistance became even stronger with the news of my grandma's hospitalisation. This time it looked like she might not pull through. It was a big distraction from what God was already doing my life. Thank God that eventually she got well enough to be discharged and returned to the nursing home.
After that, over the next few weeks, I had emotional ups and downs with bad news of my grandma's condition. When she had fever and couldn't breathe, I would be so worried. Then when she was ok, I would be relieved. It was quite a torture to live life on the edge. There were so many of such scary instances when my aunts and uncles thought she couldn't make it. After a while I just got so tired of it. The day when we were supposed to have our second women's fellowship, my grandma's life seemed to be in danger. But thank God she survived that.
During the whole ordeal, I was faced with fears of losing her. I wasn't able to fully enjoy my life because her issue was still pending. Because of this issue, I got affected by lying symptoms on my body again. Until God came to speak to me on 8 May to tell me that as Christ is, so am I in this world. It was another confirmation of His healing word. From then on, I began to feel much more joyful. Slowly the dark clouds in my life dissipated.
Just as I was beginning to experience joy in my life, the enemy came to steal the joy. The following week in May I again received news that my grandma was in a critical condition and we rushed down to the nursing home to see her. Thank God that she made it through then too. But I was so distraught to see her waning away like this so I cried out to the Lord to do something about it. If it was His will to heal her, then do it quickly. Don't let it tarry anymore.
Around that time I was so frustrated that I just surrendered her issue to God. Whether it be healing or taking her home, I committed it to the Lord. I told the Lord I didn't want to be held hostage anymore. I didn't want to live my life in the jitters. Every time I was enjoying my life, news of her condition would come to dampen my spirits. It was so spot on. I came to a point when this matter dragged so long that I was no longer sentimental over it. The Lord reminded me that she was afterall saved in Christ and she will go heaven. Besides she had lived a long blessed life, and was able to see her great grandchildren. She was 88 years old.
It was only in the aftermath that I realised the Lord is so good to me. Though my grandma's life was extended, it seemed to me that those years weren't exactly happy days, for her, for my dad and for me. I looked through the journals and found that each time I wrote about my grandma, it was always associated with guilt, heaviness and sadness. It was only this year when I visited her that I didn't feel that heavy. These weren't happy memories most times. It was unpleasant ones. It seemed like whenever news of her came up, it would be a joy stealer, a dampener.
Yet my sentimentalism refused to let her go. I just wanted her to live as long as possible so that we could still see her. Especially since she was the only grandparent that I had left. But it was really not healthy especially when I realised that she wasn't living an abundant life. It was quite sad. Yet in those years I still prayed for God to heal her so that she could eat and walk again. I didn't give up hope.
Think it came to a point the Lord felt enough was enough. Since this is the year of possessing our possessions, I had to face this giant eventually in my life. I already faced and overcame the giant of childbearing. And also the giants of sickness and death, fear of missing the promised land and condemnation. The last one was a major breakthrough for me because it was the root cause of me not being able to possess my possessions.
This one about my grandma was really the last giant I had to face. It was a big one as far as I was concerned. This giant had the power to throw me into fear and worry. The giants I faced this year were like the Anakites. After defeating these Anakites, I get to lay hold of Hebron. Finally the Lord had me liberated from this last giant! And whom the Son sets free is free indeed! The Lord showed me that I have really been refined through the fiery trials and I have come out victorious.
And now He has promoted me because the process of purging has been finally completed. I am now free to go on to my next level, my new season with no incumbrance from my past. A season of restoration, fulfilment, rewards, harvest and acceleration awaits me. From now onwards, I can really expect good things to happen in my life. I can finally enjoy my life with no incumbrance, no feeling of living in limbo. After I mourned over the loss of my grandma, the Lord will restore joy back to my life. Weeping lasts for the night but joy comes in the morning.
On Sunday morning when I woke up, I discerned that a major change has already taken place in my life, with the passing of my grandma. I was reminded of what Doug Addison said about old things dying but the result will bring new life. My grandma symbolised everything connected to my past. With her passing, it meant that my past has also gone away. The new has really come.
In end 2011, there was a health scare for doctors said my grandma was about to go anytime. I cried out to the Lord for her healing and God turned her situation around. She miraculously recovered and went on to live. But for more than 4 years I have been burdened and taunted by her health issue. I even wondered if it was right for me to ask the Lord to extend her life by a few years. But I guess it was all over now. There is no condemnation for those in Christ. It was all part of His plan. Besides, if my grandma didn't will to live on, she wouldn't have made it till now.
Well, death is really the end to all that taunting, the fears and worries over her life. With her death, the enemy has totally lost all the grip over me in this area. With the exception of childbearing issues in the past, the other area that could potentially affect me emotionally was my grandma's issue. This was an area that I cried a lot over as it had the potential to make my heart very heavy. I felt sad that my grandma had to stay in the nursing home because she couldn't eat and walk anymore. She had to be on milk tubes.
In the past childbearing was another area that could make me depressed but God has delivered me from that completely. Starting from this year I found myself less bothered by such issues. The enemy couldn't press my button in this area so he had to turn to other areas like attacking my health. But when that didn't work, He used my grandma's issue to get me out of peace and joy.
The timing was also uncanny...come to think of it. Just as I received a word from the Lord about healing and deliverance from those lying symptoms on 13 Apr, the news about my grandma hospitalised came on 18 Apr. It was the day after I took the step of faith to start the first women's fellowship meeting on 15 Apr and the Lord visited us powerfully. Then on 17 Apr, I received the powerful anointing of God during the service.
I still wasn't totally set free from the lying symptoms in my body when I received the word on healing but I knew my turning point has come, since I received the word of God and the power of God from on high. Imagine two spectacular visitations from the Lord in the same week! It was awesome. Yet after that, the resistance became even stronger with the news of my grandma's hospitalisation. This time it looked like she might not pull through. It was a big distraction from what God was already doing my life. Thank God that eventually she got well enough to be discharged and returned to the nursing home.
After that, over the next few weeks, I had emotional ups and downs with bad news of my grandma's condition. When she had fever and couldn't breathe, I would be so worried. Then when she was ok, I would be relieved. It was quite a torture to live life on the edge. There were so many of such scary instances when my aunts and uncles thought she couldn't make it. After a while I just got so tired of it. The day when we were supposed to have our second women's fellowship, my grandma's life seemed to be in danger. But thank God she survived that.
During the whole ordeal, I was faced with fears of losing her. I wasn't able to fully enjoy my life because her issue was still pending. Because of this issue, I got affected by lying symptoms on my body again. Until God came to speak to me on 8 May to tell me that as Christ is, so am I in this world. It was another confirmation of His healing word. From then on, I began to feel much more joyful. Slowly the dark clouds in my life dissipated.
Just as I was beginning to experience joy in my life, the enemy came to steal the joy. The following week in May I again received news that my grandma was in a critical condition and we rushed down to the nursing home to see her. Thank God that she made it through then too. But I was so distraught to see her waning away like this so I cried out to the Lord to do something about it. If it was His will to heal her, then do it quickly. Don't let it tarry anymore.
Around that time I was so frustrated that I just surrendered her issue to God. Whether it be healing or taking her home, I committed it to the Lord. I told the Lord I didn't want to be held hostage anymore. I didn't want to live my life in the jitters. Every time I was enjoying my life, news of her condition would come to dampen my spirits. It was so spot on. I came to a point when this matter dragged so long that I was no longer sentimental over it. The Lord reminded me that she was afterall saved in Christ and she will go heaven. Besides she had lived a long blessed life, and was able to see her great grandchildren. She was 88 years old.
It was only in the aftermath that I realised the Lord is so good to me. Though my grandma's life was extended, it seemed to me that those years weren't exactly happy days, for her, for my dad and for me. I looked through the journals and found that each time I wrote about my grandma, it was always associated with guilt, heaviness and sadness. It was only this year when I visited her that I didn't feel that heavy. These weren't happy memories most times. It was unpleasant ones. It seemed like whenever news of her came up, it would be a joy stealer, a dampener.
Yet my sentimentalism refused to let her go. I just wanted her to live as long as possible so that we could still see her. Especially since she was the only grandparent that I had left. But it was really not healthy especially when I realised that she wasn't living an abundant life. It was quite sad. Yet in those years I still prayed for God to heal her so that she could eat and walk again. I didn't give up hope.
Think it came to a point the Lord felt enough was enough. Since this is the year of possessing our possessions, I had to face this giant eventually in my life. I already faced and overcame the giant of childbearing. And also the giants of sickness and death, fear of missing the promised land and condemnation. The last one was a major breakthrough for me because it was the root cause of me not being able to possess my possessions.
This one about my grandma was really the last giant I had to face. It was a big one as far as I was concerned. This giant had the power to throw me into fear and worry. The giants I faced this year were like the Anakites. After defeating these Anakites, I get to lay hold of Hebron. Finally the Lord had me liberated from this last giant! And whom the Son sets free is free indeed! The Lord showed me that I have really been refined through the fiery trials and I have come out victorious.
And now He has promoted me because the process of purging has been finally completed. I am now free to go on to my next level, my new season with no incumbrance from my past. A season of restoration, fulfilment, rewards, harvest and acceleration awaits me. From now onwards, I can really expect good things to happen in my life. I can finally enjoy my life with no incumbrance, no feeling of living in limbo. After I mourned over the loss of my grandma, the Lord will restore joy back to my life. Weeping lasts for the night but joy comes in the morning.
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