LEARNING TO BE ROYALTY

I was so drawn to this book 'Supernatural ways of royalty' by Kris Vallotton when it was first launched. I read the preview of it on kindle. Since it was only USD9, I decided to buy it. I had always been drawn to topics on royalty. This was what God was teaching me all these years. More than just the spirit of sonship, God also wanted us to think and live like royalty.

He kept telling me that I am a princess. And all these years God has been changing my mind from a poverty mindset to one of abundance. I read in this book many things that bear witness with my heart. It was like putting into words what I always felt. There was so much life when I read this book.

It's true that a poverty mentality is the primary attribute of a pauper. They always believe that there is never going to be enough for them. They live in constant fear, struggling with the feeling that the well is about to dry up. But God never intended for us to live in poverty in any area of our life.

Paupers always feel that resources are limited. When someone else receives something, they think it takes away some of their provisions. People can have a lot of money or things but still feel insecure inside, fearing that something could happen and they will lose it all. The pauper acquires money or things and tends to get their identity from those things.

Princes don't get their identity from what they have because they know their identity isn't dependent on their performance or possessions. Princes own things but they never let things own them. The result is they are able to enjoy the worry free life Jesus promised.

This was exactly how I felt at times. I was raised in a poor family. At times we hardly have money to put food on the table. This didn't give me much security when growing up but I learnt to save up and live frugally. I also learnt about delayed gratification and spending within my means, not incurring debts.

Growing up I didn't have many toys or clothing but I didn't seem to mind it. I was still grateful for the hand-me-downs. At a young age I knew how to encourage myself to study hard, get a good job in future then I could have the money to buy the nice things. My family background, my past didn't disqualify me from having a good life in future. Hence I wasn't resentful of my background or ashamed of my parents. If they had a choice they also wouldn't choose such a life.

I wasn't a child of God then but deep down inside me I knew I wasn't defined by what my parents had or what I had. I was searching for the purpose of life at a young age. Surely Someone put me here for a reason. I must be significant to Him enough to be born on this earth. Because of this knowing, I was a secure child. I wasn't jealous when other kids had toys or stuff that I didn't have. This didn't bother me.

But I was a self-driven person, even after knowing Christ. I studied hard and worked hard to have a decent living. I didn't want to rely on others or borrow for food. So I had to learn to save up at a young age. My reluctance to spend was sometimes disguised under a justification of being good steward of God's money. But it was far from that reason. Deep down the poverty mindset was still in operation.

What if I spend so much now and later I don't have enough? What if I need the money for a rainy day as it happened one day to my mum's family? What if something happened and I lose it all? It showed up my insecurity, that my trust was never fully in God's provision. That's the reason why I save and shrimp every single dollar I received.

Like a squirrel I hoard and hoard. Even when God blessed us financially there will be this voice that tells me not to buy this dress as it isn't worth so much. My heart is drawn to the lovely dress but my head tells me that I can get better deals elsewhere. Sometimes it could be because I felt like I didn't deserve such an expensive dress. The money was better spent elsewhere. Or on someone else.

Then I experienced hopes deferred because I would go on a futile hunt for something less expensive but I didn't like as much. At times I would end up buying something cheaper or more 'worth my money' yet I didn't feel fulfilled as it was a compromise. I would then wonder if I bought the expensive dress would I feel more fulfilled. The value I place on the dress was often determined by whether I felt like I deserved to be pampered.

Of course there would be those rare times that I didn't think so much and I just bought what I liked despite the price tag. Mostly I would feel very happy for my longing was fulfilled, yet there would be this niggling question of whether it was really worth the money. Yes, even after I bought it I would still wonder if I made the right choice! How contradicting I am, right!

This was all a pre-conditioning since I started working. That voice from my mum that nagged at the things I bought for myself, questioning if I really needed that many pieces of clothing for work and making me feel guilty for not spending my money on her instead. But really what was so wrong with me spending my own money? It wasn't as if I didn't give her any allowance.

Later I felt indignant when I saw how my mum could allow my brothers to not give her allowance after they spent the money on themselves. I was sure that she too nagged at them but the guilt trap didn't work on them. Not in the least bit. They rationalised that since my parents had the money to travel so frequently they must still have some money. So the constant lament that they have no money was a hoax.

Years later, after I became a stay-home mum, I started spending other people's money. Heng's money. It was money that I didn't even deserve to spend since I did not work for it. So what was I to do? That was when God began to transform my mind. To understand and know what is His grace. To be able to receive something that I don't deserve. It was not easy for a person like me to not work for something and spend it.

I am still in the process of mind renewal. I am not exactly there yet but I am getting better. At least nowadays I am not so stingy on myself. I will make an effort to buy things that I set my eyes on, provided the prices are not too extravagant. Once in a while I will splurge on myself if I find things I really like. It will be like a treat from my Abba God.