1) Having children makes you happy and fulfilled
2) Nurturing your children is natural and instinctive
3) Parenting is your highest calling
4) Good parenting leads to happy children
5) If you find parenting difficult, you must not be following the right plan
6) You represent Jesus to your children
7) You will always feel unconditional love for your children
8) Successful parents produce godly children
9) God approves of only one family design
Out of these I can identify with some myths more than others. Like how having children makes you happy and fulfilled. The bible does not exhort us to have children for the sake of our fulfilment. In fact we are given several stories of women whose hopes for happiness through their children led them astray. One example was Rachel who became so desperate for children as a means of validation and fulfilment that she cried out to Jacob 'Give me children or I will die!' Her words became prophetic; she did die while birthing the son whom she named Ben-Oni, meaning 'son of my trouble'.
The author also touched on why do we have children at all. At the heart of our desire for children, even beyond our hopes for happiness, is the longing to love. Not just that we also need to be taught how to love. This is so true. Many of us will agree that when we have children, we will understand the love of our Heavenly Father better. And out of the abundance of this love, we will want to pour out our love to someone. Yet we are so humbled by our ignorance on how to love our children and need to be taught by the Lord.
Personally I feel that if my hope for having children is to be happy and fulfilled, then I would be disappointed so many times. There is no doubt that the joys of parenting far outweighs the struggles or disappointments. But for some, happiness and fulfilment through parenting could be hard to find, maybe not until many weeks, months and years later. Much of motherhood is mundane and many years would pass before you can see the fruits of your labour as your children grow up.
The other myth I can identify with is 'Good parenting leads to happy children'. I thank God that Joshua is generally a cheerful and happy boy. But there are times when he is unhappy or moody. Sometimes his unhappiness is caused by me, sometimes it's due to things he faced in school like bullying. At times he was disappointed when his efforts didn't bring the expected results. Of course as his mum, my heart would sink when I see him unhappy. And I want him to be happy above all else. But I cannot bail him out of every situation and it may be God's will for him to learn and grow. Times like these, I just have to commit Joshua to the Lord for I am also helpless.
The author shed some light on this. She confessed how much of her hopes for her children's happiness are hopes for herself. If her children are happy, then her parenting life is quieter and less complicated. How true! When Joshua was younger, we would try to cater to his needs and wants unless they were unreasonable. After all, a fulfilled kid is a happier and more obedient kid. Of course we had boundaries and took care not to overindulge him. Discipline is a must when he shows signs of rebellion or challenges our authority.
But as he grew bigger, I realised I got to stick to my stand even if it was at the expense of his happiness. Well, it certainly would be much easier for me to just let the gadgets take my place of parenting. In that way I can be freed to do what I want. I didn't have to plan for activities to keep him occupied and make sure he stuck to that discipline. But would that be the best use of his time? Would this over indulgence in games and YouTube be harmful to his future development? I am sure it would. For one, I believe it would cause him to lose his taste for studies and learning. The scriptures mentioned that no discipline is pleasant at the moment but it will reap fruits of righteousness in the long run.
This brings me to the next myth 'You must not be following the right plan'. In my years of parenting, I have heard many advice from well-meaning parents who have gone the way ahead of me. I appreciate their good intentions but at the end of the day I conclude that there is no one-size-fits-all method. It really depends on the personality, the gifting and inclination of the kid. I realised the best way is to go back to God and seek His advice. After all He made my son so He must know which is the best way to bring him up. This is liberating to me, to know that there isn't any right method to parenting, simply one that fits your child's temperament and character best.
Another area which I also fell into the trap of is asking myself the question 'how can I know if we are parenting successfully?'. That is actually the wrong question. We are focused on ourselves, our own need for success and the success of our children that we have come to view parenting as a performance or a test. We cannot pass the test. That is why Jesus came. That is why we need a Saviour. Instead we need to ask if we are parenting faithfully. Faithfulness is what God requires most from us.
A parent is like a prophet in some ways. We just give God's word to our children, whether they listen or not. When God commissioned Ezekiel to speak His words to Israel, three times God said 'whether they listen or fail to listen'. One of those three times God completed the sentence in Ezekiel 2:5 'whether they listen or fail to listen - for they are a rebellious house - they will know that a prophet has been among them.' That was Ezekiel's responsibility before God: to live and speak and enact God's words before the people in such a way that they might know he is a man of God. Through him, they would see and hear God's word.
But as parents, we want more than just this. We wanted desperately to change our children's hearts, to turn them back to God and avert whatever consequences they have to face later on if they choose to be wayward. We can pray fervently for our children but remember that they belong to God and we are only stewards. We are not held accountable for their repentance but only for our own obedience.
At the end of the day we have to trust that God is still working in their lives and He will not give them up. In times like this, when our children fail to live up to our expectations and we get disappointed, our love for them may be affected. Don't be guilty when you don't feel the unconditional love for them like you did when they were younger. Know that you are only human and only God can love us unconditionally. Just look to the Lord to fill you with the love of Christ with which you can love your children.
I thank God for this book for it changed many of my views about parenting. It also confirms many of the opinions I held on to which were contrary to what other parents think. It also taught me that there is no right way to parent and eventually what God expects from us is whether we have parented faithfully instead of successfully. This really frees me from focusing on the outcome of my parenting, leaving me to enjoy the process of parenting. Even if I make mistakes, it's ok because God is always there to help me when I fall. In that way I can be relaxed about my parenting and rest in the Lord, knowing that He is guiding my steps.
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