I felt like ever since I stayed home, I was really like Abraham, a sojourner. I really don't know where eventually the Lord is leading me to. He only tells me to do this, do that without really showing me the full picture. But at times He would give me a glimpse of my future which would excite me like it excited Abraham. Yet many times I didn't know what is my final destination. Of course, like Abraham, one of my dreams was to have children. But that is still not my final destination. It would be another of my assignment.
Over the years I felt like I was a short term contract worker for I never had the security of a permanent staff. I never had any work plans for the entire year like I did when I was in the workforce previously. I had no idea how my year would pan out, except for some broad strokes or themes that God showed me. Like open doors, fruit bearing, restoration, glory of God manifesting, due season, fulfilment, harvest etc. Perhaps one indication would be looking at my desires or three wishes for that upcoming year.
Well, even when the Lord showed me what was coming up like how He revealed I would not be a Care Group leader for long, He also didn't show me how it could come about. I still had to walk through the process of transition, cooperating with Him to pass the baton over to the next leader. He only showed me the end outcome and I guess that was all I needed. But usually after the completion of an assignment or the closing of a chapter, there would be an aftermath when I would feel relieved but lost.
After all I had been involved with that assignment for some time, especially when it had been so intense like the part time work stint, I would need some time to unwind from that. There would be this whole smorgasbord of emotions that I would need to unpack and decide which lessons to carry with me. Sometimes it wasn't easy doing the post assignment review. After I had unpacked that, I would then be wondering what was up ahead for me. Sometimes I would get jittery because of the upcoming changes at first and then get bored when I see nothing happening on the horizon.
God is merciful. He always gives me a breather though I believed I could 'cheong' all the way. He knows my soul needs rest and refreshment before I could embark on anything new. Sometimes the new thing would spring up quite fast like the new assignment on writing the topical sharing. But other times like after completing my last assignment, it has been almost one month yet I still didn't see anything new coming up.
I was getting a bit restless from all that waiting. I was wondering what could be coming up for me for the rest of the year. I haven't gotten the go-ahead to write my fourth book or to start a women's support group. Things have been pretty slow with regards to my writing ministry after I published my second ebook in Apr. I couldn't foresee anything upcoming yet. I felt like I have been on this standby mode for more than a month and I nearly couldn't take it anymore. I know I would activated soon but I still don't know when. When's my next assignment coming up?
Some people thrived on this type of uncertainty and haziness but not me. They loved the flexibility and the spontaneity of their lives. They didn't like to be tied down to a long term commitment. They didn't mind not knowing what the future holds. Not me. The structured and disciplined nature within me almost couldn't handle this kind of uncertainty. In fact, I wondered how I have managed to survive for the past 4.5 years living like this. Not knowing what my next assignment would be, when it would come and how it would end. Not having the security of knowing how my year would pan out.
Oh well, the good thing is I have learnt to rely on God more and be more patient to wait upon Him. And He sometimes arranged for sweet surprises along the way. But I still cannot say that I embrace this kind of life even after these years. The only security I have is I know Who holds my hand and He has gone before me to prepare the way for me. Maybe that is all I needed to know. My steps are guided by the Lord. My future may be hidden from me now but it is clear to God.
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