Today is the first time I am attending this mothers' group. I am very excited and have been looking forward to this day. This signifies the beginning of a new season for me. For many years I wasn't comfortable to fellowship with mothers though they are a group of people dear to me, close to my heart. However, due to my own inadequacy and self-consciousness of waiting for my second child, I wasn't able to face pregnant mothers.
It was a very big group and quite hard to get to know all of them. Well, the good thing was that they have smaller groups by zone. So I am under Northeast zone. Their sharing was amazing and I felt really happy to be there. I loved the fact that I could see babies crawling and toddlers running around. I was just sharing with the smaller group that it took me so long to get over my self-consciousness to come to this meeting. Then one of the mothers said it was a breakthrough. Indeed it was. Praise the Lord!
Still there was a little bit of anxiety because I didn't know anyone except the leader. I had to make new friends which wasn't something I had been doing. As you know, I have been isolated for the longest time and I am more comfortable relating to the Lord. But I can get quite bored at times, especially after I stepped down totally from field ministry and things had been quiet with my writing ministry. Hence I was open and looking forward to the new things God is doing in my life.
I prayed about it and the desire to join this mothers' group came. And when He opened the door, I knew it was something He wanted me to focus on this season: Motherhood. I don't know where this will lead me to, all I know was to step out when He called. My act of obedience will enable Him to do miraculous things in my life. I just had to trust Him.
When the leader talked about David asking what rewards would one get if he defeated the giant, it then occurred to me that my reward is here because I too, have just defeated one. I would be inheriting my Hebron soon. I also got this feeling that somehow God was going to reward me for taking the first step to attend the mothers' group. Though it was my own desire, He was the One guiding me through my desire.
After the Lord dealt with me in these areas of bitterness, jealousy, self-consciousness and comparison, today I have grown to be a better person. My character has been built up. I am no more the person I used to be, as easily distracted by people or things around me. I have learnt to discern His voice and focus on what He is doing in my life, blocking out the noise and distractions. I have learnt to run my own race and not to compare.
I am not exactly there yet, still learning but at least I have grown in the Lord and become more mature spiritually. Maybe that was why God thought I was ready to connect with the mothers' group. Now I am more prepared to step out of my comfort zone to face my vulnerabilities. When I was there at the meeting, I found that I knew so little about motherhood, like I was just starting out...got to learn all over again!
As I sat in the meeting, I saw things I never did before. I saw that this is a new thing yet a restoration. It then occurred to me afterwards that apart from the first six months of motherhood, I didn't exactly have a fulfilling season in the past. I thank God that Joshua was an easy baby and a great joy to take care of. But what I struggled with back then was the childhood sicknesses. They were a joy stealer. I couldn't enjoy motherhood as much when Joshua fell sick. Then there was this void in my life, my longing for ministry work.
Initially I was very happy to join the mothers' club in my old church...but after a while, their conversation really bored me to tears. I just wasn't enjoying the constant focus on our kids. That time I was also struggling with whether to go back to work and if not, how about our finances etc. But I thought to myself: there has to be more to life than just motherhood. I didn't understand that it was just a season, a passing phase. Had someone told me so, I might have embraced it more. Maybe the constant focus on kids put me off, so much so that I shunned away from fellowship with mothers all these years. In short, I didn't enjoy my first time motherhood as much as pregnancy. It wasn't a good experience, or beautiful memory.
Another thing that I realised was this. The first time I became a mum I didn't know what I wanted. This second time I am more confident and sure of what I want. As I hear the sharing about waking at nights, feeding the babies, kids hospitalised, I kind of shuddered. Though I am looking forward to being a second time mum, a part of me says I don't want to go back to the level of parenting before. This time I want to ask God for a higher anointing so that I could parent on a new level. I believe God will grant me a restoration of the motherhood experience.
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